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Sunday, November 2, 2014

Flannel Scarf & Linkin Park

I bought this scarf over two months ago. I had it sent to my brother, since the seller thinks Alaska is on Mars. My mom acted like I was being a brat every time I asked him to ship it to me, and my brother didn't want to give it up unless I compensated him. So I basically had to never mentioned it, pretend it didn't irritate me, and hope that eventually they'd just agree to give it to me of their own volition.

Here are some very cool motorcyclists who make it their point to be contrary to popular belief. 

I wasn't sure what song to feature. But Linkin Park has been searching for an in, and since I featured Green Day yesterday, it seems fitting. Fitting because when I was about ten, those two were my favorite bands. They were my first exposure to rock and alternative music (not counting Aerosmith). At least, my first exposure that I exposed myself to. 
At the time, that was a significant turnaround from the norm for me, because all my music was instrumental, new age, orchestral, or religious because my mother listened to those things. From there I went to Flyleaf and Eminem and System of a Down and Evanescence--I guess you could say my taste in music was preternatural for my age.
My growing proclivity for hard rock was accompanied by my interest in punk/emo fashion, especially visual kei. At the time, if you asked little fifth grade me, I would have told you it just sounded cool. But now that I'm older, and my taste in music has evolved so much (and is arguably less violent) I can see my interest for what it was. 
It was a manifestation of anger and depression, mainly, though I'm sure many other emotions played into it. That explanation makes sense for a number of reasons. First, when I was ten, a lot of negative things began to happen to and around me. Second, I'm aware now (by my own recollection and what people tell me) I had a nasty, defensive temper. While I'm not excusing my bad behavior, I know that it wasn't my fault what I was feeling, and it wasn't like anyone was helping me through it. I'm actually surprised that some of my friends at the time remained my friends, despite how I acted. I mean, I wasn't a complete bitch, but I was definitely temperamental. So I don't think it's a coincidence I was such an angry girl who liked angry music. Pyschologically, I leaned toward it because it was a musical expression of my internal turmoil.
I don't think it's a coincidence that now I'm not angry, my music has changed a lot. I mean, I still love rock and alternative, but I love so much more than that. And when I look at the people today who share my fashion and music taste at that time, I see that they're angry and/or depressed. They may not know it, but you can see it if you know what to look for. It also makes me wonder if, then, the reason I still love rock music is because I still harbor anger? Maybe it's just part of me now. Maybe my history has transformed me as a person into someone who's naturally inclined to aggressive music.
When I speculate on those years, I'm impressed that I was angry and not a self-conscious, shy, nervous wreck. Not that anger is any better, but most girls who go through what I went through internalize their pain. Guys tend to externalize it, which is why they're more inclined to be angry. 
I'm impressed because my reaction wasn't normal.
Why in Grimm's name does any of this matter?
Because I grew to love Linkin Park. It was my first favorite band. What I loved best about their music was how emotionally charged it was. I used to listen to it in the dark when I was upset, turn it up so loud my ears hurt. The first song I ever heard by Linkin Park from their album Minutes to Midnight is "What I've Done."


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