Late post today. Was at Linda's funeral.
I kept it together, which was cool. If I had started crying I wouldn't have stopped. When I saw her in the casket I thought I'd lose it. It was odd to see how... well, for lack of a better word, lifeless the body was. Her hair was darker, her skin waxy. It used to be so pale and vibrant. I only saw from a distance, my friends couldn't stomach getting closer and I didn't want to go it alone. I'm both glad I didn't get closer (because I want to remember her the way she looked in life, and because my self control would have gone to pieces) and sad I didn't brave it. I'll never know if they put her in a white dress, or a vest and blouse, or what. Trivial, but I wish I'd seen.
Her memorial made me wish I'd known her better, but also glad I didn't. I'm not sure if I could pay the price of having loved her more dearly. As it is, I don't think I'll ever accept that she's gone. I can't imagine how it must be for her closest friends and family. For me it hurts so much sometimes I can't breathe.
It also made me think about the way I treat people, and animals, and having a more positive, loving outlook of the world and the people in it. It made me want to do things differently. Help people. Hope more. Love more.
I think sometimes at funerals, we're so sad for the loss that we forget we're supposed to commemorate their life, not mourn their death.
I also remember thinking that really, there are sadder things. People who've died younger, more terribly. But that's neither here nor there. And knowing there are worse things does not make the sad things any less sad.
Incidentally, the church was beautiful. Catholic. Stained glass, crucifixes, the whole enchilada.
Maybe it's best that she's gone. This world didn't deserve her anyway.
"Hand Feeding Platypus"
I really want to tell you all about New Hollow and the song "She Ain't You."
I just don't have it in me tonight.
EDIT: I don't want to feature more than one song, but I've got two stuck in my head.
"Open Your Eyes," Snow Patrol, because that's how I feel
"Body In a Box," City In Colour.